Yeah I’m hijacking some shit but let’s just call it sharing
So here’s where I start. I thought about going way back, back into time if you will. But the whole reason for starting this is based on recent history. Way recent history. So, I turned uh, Mid-Forty. And then it all went downhill. I don’t believe in lucky or unlucky numbers or anything (with the exception that I oddly consider 13 a lucky number) but fuck my life with 45. OK fine, there, I said it. I’m 45. Right after that milestone I had to leave my job because I found out through a neighbor of theirs that my elderly parents were hiding the fact that they were basically living in a home from the show “Hoarders”. I had to help them, so I left a job that I loved because getting the time off to do so was impossible. And that was OK. It also included that a couple weeks later the woman I was seeing (first one in a decade or so that I was actually into) decided that she needed to “do her”. And by “do her” she meant do some guy named Eric from her A.A. meetings. Long story short she actually booked a flight with this guy in my garage as she was breaking up with me. So yup. That was a whole pile of shit at once. There was actually quite a few other awful things in that short period of time but I don’t want to make you more suicidal than I was considering myself to be at the time, loyal reader. I care about you too much for that.
Whoopsie-daisy! You saw what I said there didn’t you? No, it is not something that I take lightly or joke about (much). So all this shit happened in a 20 day span and I was manic. I got myself caught up in a negative feedback loop. It’s a terrible thing that I know you know even if you don’t know the term. Essentially you get an idea in your head that upsets you and then you get upset that it upsets you and next thing you know you’re accosting nuns for being so damn high and mighty. Oddly enough, when you get yourself stuck in this loop telling your brain to “shut up” over and over again doesn’t actually work. I even called the number that’s not 911 but close enough.
Now What?
Anyhoot, enough with the sad face emoji. What did I do? Why was 988 not the last phone call I ever made? I picked up a book. My brother got me this book a year earlier and I had just left it on the shelf but it was called “Twelve Rules for Life” by Jordan B. Peterson. Not going to lie I’m maybe on rule 5 and not really reading it anymore but the first one honestly changed my life for the better. I’ll save you the trouble of reading through it. It’s a bunch of scientific shit about lobsters (no really) but the gist of it is to stand up straight with your shoulders back. Seriously. Stand up straight with your shoulders back. You are either sitting down and reading this bent over with your shoulders hunched right now or you actually stood up, straightened out and put those shoulders back. Maybe brushed some dirt off them, I don’t know. Here’s the point: I was pacing around the neighborhood several times a day, as in my phone told me I just had a workout type pacing. Except I was staring at the pavement and wondering to myself what the hell did I do to offend The Universe/God/Jesus/Allah/He Who Shall Not Be Named/Buddha/Yahweh/The Easter Bunny? Then I took that advice to heart. Still pacing all over the neighborhood but now I held my head up. I looked straight ahead and I consciously maintained a good posture while I did so. Not gonna lie, it felt weird at first. Then something happened. Suddenly I felt a little better. Then a little better on top of that. I started to build on that small change. I told myself to have some Respect For Myself For Fuck’s Sake. Listen: this isn’t “The Secret” or any of that shit, I didn’t hit Powerball or whatever I just felt a little better. And you can too. I’m still working through a mountain of issues and if you’re reading this you probably are as well.
Feel it!
There are so many cliches out there about taking care of yourself that it makes it look dangerously easy. My Facebook feed is chock full of “wisdom”. I will not claim to proffer you a whole ton of “wisdom” either but I will offer this: stand the fuck up. Stand up straight damnit! Put them shoulders back like you’re doing a runway show, you’re so hot right now Hansel! Feel good? Weird? Both? Awesome! You felt something! I suppose that’s my point. Heads up, back straight and shoulders back made me feel something when I was lost, manic, legit crazy. My next post will include quite a bit more of me putting it into practice and real life applications. For better or worse. And hey, you! Yeah you, I’m talking to you! I see you Googling Jordan B. Peterson and seeing that he is on a side of the political aisle. Knock it off. I didn’t know until after sorta reading the first half or so of the book. And believe it or not, useful advice is useful advice. So that’s what I got today, loyal reader. I will continue to ramble on about nonsense and hope that at least one sentence of this resonates with you. Once again: not a therapist but I will keep trying to absorb smart things from smart people and pass them along as best I can.