{"id":922,"date":"2023-01-03T21:03:32","date_gmt":"2023-01-03T21:03:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/?p=922"},"modified":"2023-03-05T19:18:55","modified_gmt":"2023-03-05T19:18:55","slug":"youre-the-worst","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/?p=922","title":{"rendered":"You’re the Worst"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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I Mean That In The Best Way Possible<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Yes, you are the worst. That\u2019s ok though, no judgment here because so am I. You probably have a tendency to give yourself the worst advice possible. Not regarding perhaps starting the day with a healthy breakfast or avoiding that pint of Bourbon being that it\u2019s, y’know, Tuesday and you\u2019re still at work. I mean advising yourself on personal matters, especially relationships. Of all kinds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s entirely possible that it\u2019s just me who\u2019s the worst but I doubt it. Actually, nope, I KNOW it. We both are. How many times have we looked at our friends or colleagues and asked: \u201cwhy are they with that person\u201d? or \u201cwait, they\u2019re getting back together\u201d? or \u201cI can\u2019t believe they still work there\u201d?, and the catchall of \u201cwhat the actual fuck are they thinking\u201d? Ever replaced \u201care they\u201d with \u201cam I\u201d? I feel pretty confident that you have. And yet we persist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s super easy to give advice to others because well, they aren\u2019t you. You can take a step back, apply a little bit of critical thought and come to a reasonable conclusion. But YOU? ME? Nah, bro (or sis!), we are special and so are our issues. Like a fingerprint or a rainbow or a snowflake or even a DOUBLE rainbow. Singularly unique. We become arrogant and probably down right narcissistic when talking ourselves through personal issues and choices when it comes to matters of relationships. I just saw that the Merriam-Webster Word of the Year was \u201cGaslighting\u201d. You know who probably gaslights you the most? Good guess, you win! It\u2019s you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gas(light) me up baby!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gaslighting is defined as a form of psychological manipulation in an attempt to cause confusion and self doubt. How often have you thought to yourself that what you\u2019re feeling is a terrible idea and then try to talk yourself out of the fact that it\u2019s a terrible idea? Not just talking about romantic relationships either, though that would probably dominate the power rankings. Romantic relationships, friendships, work, your favorite local watering hole that has turned into a black hole of douche-y-ness. It\u2019s so easy to bring your mind back to the good times when everything was just super! Obviously this doesn\u2019t generally apply if you just met that person in question or just started the job or only checked out that pub once because the Happy Hour on the chalk board outside looked bangin\u2019. So let’s pick a specific topic and it’s easy because as I just said: it tops the power rankings. We maintain contact, whether literally or just mentally, with that relationship that ended poorly because we still remember all the good times that happened during those months\/years and damnit! Those were good feelings! Then we remember how it ended. Now if you<\/em> broke it off, well it\u2019s easy to just say that it was an honest mistake or for the best or whatever the hell. If you got<\/em> broke off, that\u2019s when the gas lights up and it looks like the opening scene from Lethal Weapon 4 and your brain is the guy with the flamethrower and you\u2019re Sergeant Murtaugh running around in your drawers like a dipshit. (I know it\u2019s probably an old ass reference just Google it, it\u2019s like a two minute watch. I\u2019ll wait.) Next thing you know your whole brain is running around in the rain making chicken noises and well, what the heck is going on? \u201cI know they really loved me!\u201d (Insert excuses and reasons for the person as to why it happened) See? You\u2019re probably actually able to come to reasonable conclusions as to why he or she broke it off. But those reasons suck. They definitely suck for you anyway. \u201cNo, wait he was a selfish dickhead! Maybe she never really had feelings for me! Shit, was I<\/em> being a selfish dickhead? Fuck all this I never really loved her either!\u201d And BOOM. Now you have filled yourself with confusion and doubt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Put it out! Put it Out!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is the part that is really difficult and, as previously stated, I\u2019m not a therapist or anything so I don\u2019t have a magical cure. Any trained therapist that I saw previously could not provide an ABC rated industrial strength extinguisher either so I\u2019ll just tell you some things and thoughts that help me deal with it. Full disclosure: I am definitely not fireproof to gaslighting myself. I just work through it as best I can. I\u2019ll go through a popular idea and a somewhat abstract and difficult idea. I\u2019ll just tell you upfront this time that the popular notion is stupid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The easy and popular thing to say to ourselves is to \u201cjust be positive\u201d. If this is what you advise during difficult times then you are, in fact, an asshole. Sorry your husband left you for your sister but just stay positive! Less gifts to buy during the Holidays! It is the empty calories bag of gummy bears of emotional support. I will move on quickly as should you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s the tough one and it also sounds kind of dumb. Just let it go. Oh? No shit?! Just drop it like a shot of Jager into a glass of Red Bull and put it down?! All is forgotten! No, unfortunately, you can\u2019t just black it out from memory like doing 10 Jager Bombs. It\u2019d be nice in the short term but the next morning would be pretty awful. So here\u2019s the thing: you are unhappy, sad, irritated and desperately holding on to the good feelings of that job you once really enjoyed or romance you had hoped for or hanging out with that friend who suddenly isn\u2019t really around anymore. You are actively blinding yourself to what you truly need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take a step back. Be careful now, don\u2019t fall down the stairs. Think and take a moment to realize why you are unhappy. Because you miss the feeling of hope that came with those things. Guess what? That job probably ended because you began to hate it and you were no longer putting in your best effort and honestly entertaining the idea of doing something else. The intimate relationship ended because that person doesn\u2019t want you anymore (and vice-versa. I don’t believe in carrying on a relationship in which I would be cheating on someone, because that means I found someone I prefer. It\u2019s really hard and painful to turn that \u201cnoble\u201d lens on yourself but it\u2019s also true for the other person). Now that that part of your life is over, there is a void and our dickhead brains tend to do a terrible job of rectifying it. So what now?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We want it to all be better, damnit, that\u2019s what! Well I mean it can be but it takes work and self assessment. Sounds dangerously close to \u201cJust Be Positive!\u201d but it doesn’t involve deluding yourself. What the hell does \u201cbetter\u201d even mean anyway? Get back with my partner? Get my old job back? If we are being honest with ourselves those options will lead to resentment more often than not because that flaming oil rig in our brains will start gaslighting in the opposite directions and well, then it\u2019s a whole new clusterfuck. And let’s be honest: do you really think you can just hop back into the situation that just caused you so much pain and forget anything happened? Rhetorical question, you know the answer to that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Think about how you got that job in the first place. Because you\u2019re awesome and talented and a hard worker! How did you get that girl or guy in the first place? Because you\u2019re hot as hell and funny and witty! Now take that knowledge and sit down and make a plan for yourself. Don\u2019t just be a positive nimwit but accept what happened, be as honest as you can about why it happened (stop fucking arguing with yourself, this isn\u2019t a Thanksgiving \u201cdiscussion\u201d about politics with your drunk uncle), and think about what course of action to take next. The only way to make this work is to really and truly WANT to move forward. And no, it\u2019s not as easy as saying \u201cEverything Is Awesome!\u201d. I just spent a month last summer in The Pit of Despair. Then I got out of it (read my previous posts, I\u2019m not trying to write a novel at the moment), then back into The Pit and now I\u2019m working on getting out again. Personally, I have found that writing about stuff helps me take a step back and analyze things because I have to slow down and think. I\u2019m also a shitty typer, which maybe helps a little. Try as many approaches as it takes for you, just make sure to avoid serial killer type behaviors, maybe meditating or exercising or whatever gives you some internal mental brevity to be honest with yourself. Give yourself the advice you\u2019d give someone else you care about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am by no means even close to perfect at this but when I can actually put forth the effort to try and really want to move forward, rather than deceive and confuse myself, it is surprisingly effective. I will still give myself dumb-ass advice and there will still be conflict internally but as I take this approach it has become more and more bearable. So let\u2019s do our best not to gaslight ourselves but to Gas Us Up Baby!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I Mean That In The Best Way Possible Yes, you are the worst. That\u2019s ok though, no judgment here because so am I. You probably have a tendency to give yourself the worst advice possible. Not regarding perhaps starting the day with a healthy breakfast or avoiding that pint of Bourbon being that it\u2019s, y’know, …<\/p>\n

You’re the Worst<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":923,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/alyw.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/20220927_083751-1-scaled.jpg",2560,2464,false],"thumbnail":["https:\/\/alyw.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/20220927_083751-1-150x150.jpg",150,150,true],"medium":["https:\/\/alyw.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/20220927_083751-1-300x289.jpg",300,289,true],"medium_large":["https:\/\/alyw.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/20220927_083751-1-768x739.jpg",768,739,true],"large":["https:\/\/alyw.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/20220927_083751-1-359x346.jpg",359,346,true],"1536x1536":["https:\/\/alyw.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/20220927_083751-1-1536x1479.jpg",1536,1479,true],"2048x2048":["https:\/\/alyw.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/20220927_083751-1-2048x1972.jpg",2048,1972,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Mike Campbell","author_link":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/?author=1"},"uagb_comment_info":18,"uagb_excerpt":"I Mean That In The Best Way Possible Yes, you are the worst. That\u2019s ok though, no judgment here because so am I. You probably have a tendency to give yourself the worst advice possible. Not regarding perhaps starting the day with a healthy breakfast or avoiding that pint of Bourbon being that it\u2019s, y’know,…","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/922"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=922"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/922\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1009,"href":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/922\/revisions\/1009"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/923"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=922"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=922"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alyw.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=922"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}